Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Randomize
