apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Rumble strips road head = magical
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
