Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Randomize
