Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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