I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Randomize