i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
