see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
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