My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize