my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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