i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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