Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
