there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Randomize
