I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
