i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
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