i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
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