none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
