Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
