i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize