"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
how drunk are you?
Several
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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