Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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