worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
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