Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
