Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
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