can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
