I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Randomize