Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
