We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
