I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
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