I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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