you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
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