batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Randomize
