Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Randomize