You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
