Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
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