no, he came in my armpit
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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