Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
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