I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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