i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Oh and I watched laurens last episode on the hills. its been an emotional day
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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