Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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