When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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