please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Randomize
