I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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