she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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