Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
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