My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Randomize
