There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
