Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I wish you could order shots online.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
