These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
Randomize
