I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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