If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Randomize
