I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
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