mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Randomize
