he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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