Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
