girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
40s are totally the cure
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
