Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
