I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize