shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
